HOW TO FIGHT FAIR
There are skills you need to argue effectively. Most of us were never taught these skills. Look through the following lists for the ones you already know. Consider which skills you need to improve and choose one or two on which to begin working.
Saying Skills
1. Giving information about the self and asking for information from the other.
2. Accessing and verbalizing internal feelings and wants.
3. Using neutral or emphatic tones of voice rather than irritated or accusatory tones.
4. Expressing positives (what is wanted) rather than negatives (what is not wanted).
5. Speaking in short chunks rather than in long monologues.
6. Maintaining symmetry of air time; that is, sharing speaking time approximately equally with the other person.
Listening Skills
1. Hearing, digesting, and acknowledging what the other has said through summarizing statements, rather than dismissing or ignoring what was said.
2. Focusing on what is positive, useful, and what “makes sense” in a statement rather than listening for what is wrong or negative.
3. Building on what was heard with “and” statements rather than dismissing it with “but” statements.
Dialogue Skills/Negotiation Skills
1. Making and using summarizing statements that include what all parties have said.
2. Exploring underlying concerns in a collaborative manner. Ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” and “What makes sense?”
3. Generating solutions responsive to both partners’ concerns.
Too many skills to learn all at once! However, if you are willing to concentrate on adding one or two skills for one or two weeks, you can add every one of these skills to your behavior. When you have practiced the first one or two skills enough, pick one or two more and start concentrating on them.
There are times when you must argue. Here are practices that will make your arguments productive. It is hard to believe, but arguing through conflicts can make our relationships stronger! Following these guidelines will move you in the direction of strengthening your relationships.
Guidelines
1. For optimum effectiveness, pray together. If that is not possible, pray separately but, in any event, PRAY!
2. Argue only about essentials.
3. If it is worth arguing over, confront the problem as soon as possible.
4. Stick to the subject. Keep to one subject at a time; avoid overloading the situation with too many grievances.
5. Practice effective, active listening.
6. Be honest in expressing your feelings, needs, and desires.
7. Express feelings, needs, and desires without judging.
8. Ask yourself, “What do I need or want right now?” to clarify your issues.
9. Make room for different emotional realities. When we acknowledge that we can have entirely different emotional reactions to the same event, with both of us experiencing our reactions as “true and real,” we are more likely to prevent the conflict from escalating.
10. Avoid “you always” and “you never” statements. They are usually not accurate and take you off the topic.
11. Avoid blaming. It serves to block rather than facilitate change.
12. Avoid name-calling, psychological analysis, and character assassination.
13. Listen to what is behind another’s feelings.
14. Avoid insults such as, “Just who do you think you are to tell me…,” or “How could anyone say anything so stupid!” Instead say, “I don’t see it that way,” or “I can’t buy into that,” or “I hear you experiencing it that way and I’m feeling differently about it.”
15. Give yourself a time limit for how long you will hold onto the anger and how long you will discuss it.
16. Be tactful about when and where you express your anger.
17. Make your goal in expressing anger constructive.
18. Protect your relationship even while in conflict.
19. Stay in the present. Do not rehash old fights or things that happened in the past.
20. Take time-outs when needed.
Twenty guidelines! Too many to put into effect all at once. It is best, and most effective, to make the changes one or two at a time. If you need to add ten of these behaviors to your behavior, start out by picking a couple of them. Concentrate on adding these one or two guidelines to your behavior for one or two weeks. When you have practiced the first one or two skills enough, pick out another one or two and start concentrating on them. Tackle big assignments one skill at a time.
(Credit to Les Carter, Good and Angry; James L. Creighton, Don’t Go Away Mad; Bach and Wyden, The Intimate Enemy)
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